Aakhir

We Are What We Choose

2010-07-04T13:50:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow, in a very real sense, your life -- the life you author from scratch on your own -- begins.

How will you use your gifts? What choices will you make?

Will inertia be your guide, or will you follow your passions?

Will you follow dogma, or will you be original?

Will you choose a life of ease, or a life of service and adventure?

Will you wilt under criticism, or will you follow your convictions?

Will you bluff it out when you're wrong, or will you apologize?

Will you guard your heart against rejection, or will you act when you fall in love?

Will you play it safe, or will you be a little bit swashbuckling?

When it's tough, will you give up, or will you be relentless?

Will you be a cynic, or will you be a builder?

Will you be clever at the expense of others, or will you be kind?

Invictus - rediscovered

2009-12-31T14:06:00.001-08:00

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-----William Ernest Henley (1849–1903

To Thine Own Self Be True

2009-06-26T21:08:00.001-07:00

Yet here, Laertes! Aboard, aboard for shame!
The wind sits in the shoulder of your sail,
And you are stay'd for.
There ... my blessing with thee!
And these few precepts in thy memory
Look thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportion'd thought his act.
Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatch'd, unfledg’d comrade.  Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel but, being in,
Bear't that th' opposed may beware of thee.
Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgement.
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
For the apparel oft proclaims the man;
And they in France of the best rank and station
Are of a most select and generous chief in that.
Neither a borrower, nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell; my blessing season this in thee!

 -- William Shakespeare

Why persist???

2008-10-06T11:09:00.000-07:00

Agent Smith: Why, Mr. Anderson? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something?
For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know?
Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Yes? No?
Could it be for love?
Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself, although only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love.
You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson. You must know it by now. You can't win.
It's pointless to keep fighting.
Why, Mr. Anderson? Why? Why do you persist?

Neo: Because I choose to.

2008-05-07T02:02:00.000-07:00

The Road Not Taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth; 5

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same, 10

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back. 15

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference. 20

---- Robert Frost (1874–1963).

Mountain Interval. 1920.

SUCCESS

2008-01-13T21:03:00.000-08:00

Success has no address
NO landmark

No calling Card
But the path is steep
And some will take the elevator
But i will take the stairs

Some will get there faster
But I'll get there stronger
And adversity will be my
Traveling companion

Because When i get there.
I can turn to adversity and say,
So long...

And heave the bag of taunts
and insults I gathered
along the way, and scatter them
to the birds.

I will miss them
But feel lighter

Yes
That will be the day
When I stand at
a large bay window
And unclench my fist

For there will be no more
odds to conquer
Not even in the "MIND"

SURVIVAL

2008-01-13T21:01:00.000-08:00

I'm not a star
There is no Halo over my head

Fate doesn't like the colour of my eyes
Struggle and strife are old friends of mine

Who am i?
I'm survival. I'm guts. I'm pride

I like odds
especially when they're
stacked against me

Because there'll come a time
When I'll stare them in the eye

And smile the smile of
the one who's pulled it off

I am the guy who will have
deep lines on his face someday

And it'll make me look good
When i laugh

Because that is the day
I'll fear no fear

And taste sweat that is sweet

And look back for the
very first time and say,

I did it my way
The long hard way!

Stubborn

2008-01-13T20:58:00.000-08:00

When i left college they said
I was being stubborn

When i was leaving home
My DAD said I was stubborn

When I left my first job
the boss said I was too stubborn

Well.........

I hope they're right
Bercause I hate hammocks
And i don't believe in
half days
Or long weekends

NO

I will not take life as it comes
I'll scratch and claw
And fight it every step of the way

For I have met fate
She can be pretty mean
When she's not in the mood

So I'll collect all those
Words of discouragement and
make paper rockets out of them

And fly them in
a strong cross wind

Society has a name for
guys like me

"Stubborn"

Memories

2007-12-14T08:05:00.000-08:00

Duur jo aaj hain,
Yaad aate tau hain

Khwaab adhoore sahi
Khwaab sahare tau hain

Aaj bhee meri raahein rokti hain
Yaadein teri, daaman kheinchti hain

Bhool chuke hain jo hamein
Yaad aate tau hain

Sadiyon ke fasle aaj hain darmiyaan
Ho jaaein magar jitni bhi dooriyaan

Aap jahan bhi rahein
Aap hamare tau hain

Khwaab adhoore sahi
Khwaab sahare tau hain

Aaj bhi meri raahein rokti hain
Yaadein teri, daaman kheinchti hain

Bhool chuke hain jo hamein
Yaad aatey tau hain

Jaaney phir kab milain, tere mere raaste
Aas tootte nahi yaad, itna rahe

Raat dhalni tau hai
Aaney ujaale tau hain

Hardships cannot DETER a REBEL....

2007-04-01T03:40:00.000-07:00

It must be Hard,
to be alone in a crowd of Peers
to be the target of all their jeers
and long for a day when you gain their respect
instead of the pity and slights that you get......

It must be Hard,
for a REBEL to be a guided sheep
for a WARRIOR to lose, to Break, to Weep
to wish for a Chance to FIGHT that Battle again
to wish to Break FREE of all Bonds and Chains......

It must be Hard,
to be in Love and not even know it
to want something Bad and not even Show it
if only they knew what you had in your Heart
if only it wasn't too Late to Start......

It must be Hard,
to be the Ice Queen in the Fires of Hell
among the Angels, be the Naughty and fell
to be a Person that nobody understands
to Smile in a Crowd that you cannot Stand......

It must be Hard,
to have Heard but not Confesed
to Pray but not be Blessed
To NOT have Loved, Yet have LOST
to have gained Nothing at high Cost......

Hardships, Questions, Up's & Downs,
joys and sorrows, smile and frowns,
Strange how we Blame Fate and Destiny,
when LIFE's only as Hard as we make it to be.

Pyaasa......

2007-04-01T03:34:00.000-07:00

Yeh Mehelon, Yeh Takhton
Yeh Tajon ki Duniyan......

Yeh Insaan ke dushman
Samajon ki Duniyan.......

Yeh Daulat ke Bhunkhen
Rivajon ki Duniyan.......

Yeh Duniyan agar mil bhi jayein to Kya Hain?
Yeh Duniyan agar mil bhi jayein to Kya Hain?

SILENCE........

2007-04-01T03:29:00.000-07:00

Mistaken are those who imagine,
that Silence is without life
that it is inanimate
without either Spirit or Voice.

It is not.

Indeed the word is to this Silence
What the Shadow is to the Foreshadowed
What the veil is to the eyes
What the mind is to truth
What Language is to LIFE......

------ Amitav Ghosh
The Calcutta Chromosome.

Do I have the Heart To Feel?

2007-03-05T05:07:00.000-08:00

Do I have the heart to feel?

Or just the eyes to see?

Did I ever realize then

That this is how it will be?

There’s so much of pain

Yet, tears don’t emerge

I can heal them all

Is what the mind doesn’t urge

Helplessness is all around

The heart’s becoming insensitive,

To discover the magical healer

The mind’s getting inquisitive.

Are we supposed to live?

If life isn’t worth living

If it isn’t worth a dime

Is life worth giving?

The Creator is cruel

For he’s wasted lives,

He’s made the heart beat

With money on which it thrives.

There’s so much of sorrow

Should I see and be blind?

Where in this unjust world

The cure for it I’ll find?

What’s the point in being

If I can’t help people?

What’s the point in drugs

If diseases remain ample?

Why should I think so much

When others don’t give a thought?

Or have they faced this dilemma

And just left it unthought?

Maybe, it will be the same

As time will go by

As a practitioner I will be

The emotions out will fly.

Loneliness......

2006-04-22T01:49:00.000-07:00

What is needed is not something in which you can forget your loneliness; what is needed is that you become aware of your aloneness - which is a reality. And it is so beautiful to experience it, to feel it, because it is your freedom from the crowd, from the other. It is your freedom from the fear of being lonely.

OSHO...

Destiny

2006-03-01T21:09:00.000-08:00

We Reap what we sow.

We are the makers of our own Fate.

The wind is Blowing;

Those Vessels whose sails are unfurled catch it;
And go forward on their way,

But those which have their sails furled do not catch the wind.

Is that the fault of the wind?..................

We make our own Destiny.

The Awakening

2006-02-28T22:33:00.000-08:00

A new facet of life was introduced to me in Shahapur. The harsh and true face of life surfaced, shattering my beliefs.
A number of shocks - unexpected struck at the very core of my existence.
I awoke from a good dream to a bad reality. The wonderful days of Medical college were over! And life was not rosy as it seemed.

Why Shahapur?
Destiny and Choice both played a major role ........
Though I'd made up my mind quite early about shahapur as my Internship destination, life seemed to have other plans. My initial posting with 3 of my friends was Jawahar in Wada District of Maharashtra. For me it was a blessing in disguise for closing a chapter in my life. But loyalty to my group made me shift my posting to shahapur.
And so shahapur it was!

Keeping aside the personal turmoil, shahapur made a permanent imprint on me.
Much of it seems to be fading away with the years yet its so afresh..........

The Karmabhoomi - Battlefield (Hospital premises)
A dilapidated rundown building that had so much in common with the patients it catered to. Undermaintained, understaffed, stained, by generations of corrupt officials. Helpless against the onslaught of its supposed to be protectors and the almighty time.

The Shack (Interns residence)
For thats what it was, situated just next to the Hospital gate under a banyan tree. 2 rooms connnected in the back with a common bathroom attached and a loo located way behind the shack. (Making the trip public knowledge)
The shack as the name suggests was in rundown condition. The verandah behind the shack was occupied by canine and porcine neighbours (pigs) who wallowed around in the litter haven.

Me and my gang with a couple of others inhabitated this Old and dilapidated.........yet cosy shack
Under 5 star conditions that boasted of Frequent power cuts (forcing zero visibility in the rooms; the windows were left closed for the fear of peeping toms and adine fellows.)No water for the better part of the day, Dust-cobwebs coexisting with us we
spent small very rare moments of leisure.

But then it didnt matter a lot to us, especially me for duty always had prime position. We all made the best out of our last few months together.
The Shack rocked and ruled!
(As on today there are no physical signs of this shack. )

The Gurus
Dr Kazi (Orthopaedic Surgeon) and Dr Puri (Gynaecologist & Obstetrician)
were the ones who trained us. Great people with loads of experience.
I'll always be indebted to them.
God Bless them!

The Clientele
Hmmm....A generous mixture of Ignorance, Illiteracy, Poverty, Dejection, All at one go!
Poor yet self respecting people, Exploited to their bones....
Just Rich enough for the bus ride to Shahapur.
Tribals smiling even when in pain or at the loss of their loved ones.
Some of them hard headed....
Some aggressive.....abrasive.....
But they held Doctors in High respect...though at times their diagnosis and line of treatment superseded the doctors.... Come whatsoever saline (IV Fluids) were a must to any patient. If not heeded with.... be ready for the wrath....

The Staff
Yin & Yang.....Good & bad....both sides of the same coin....
similar was the case with the staff..... though I'd say the balance tipped heavily
towards the negative side.
'Care' the basis of Healthcare was absconding...missing....or maybe it it ceased to exist in the real sense.
All the masala... lazy, careless, Gullible, redundant, Corrupt, at times Shrewd people who fed upon the miseries of the people.
Some highly hardworking, honest.... but diminishing in numbers gradually....

At the end of the day it was frustrating......

The Ambulance Driver
He finds special reference due to his notoriety.
Good chap, but parked the Ambulance at his house (A K.M away from the hospital)
He was the last knife into the patients body, since due to his absence the poor patients had to spend precious money on private ambulances. I'd always believed that there existed a nexus!

We (One of the Male Interns) used to accompany emergency transfer patients to Thane Civil Hospital in HIS ambulance. Usually the time was always after midnight. And Saheb was seldom around, thus wasting precious time of the patients life.
The man had Loads of Attitude! We were always at a war of words.
Even while behind the wheel, he'd sing songs in his not so gifted voice. Consequently I felt even the more sleepy which he resented. He'd suddenly slow down or brake to wake me up.

Once at the hospital(thane), After dropping us at the Casualty, he'd disappear leaving us stranded at the mercy of the not so welcoming staff of Thane in the middle of the night.
With no place to sleep we were at his mercy till his return.

Jayaram Unofficial Mama
The hospital had 2 people by the name of Jayaram. The elder one was the asssitant to the Superintendent. He considered himself to be a man of great importance.

The younger one was a self proclaimed ward boy.
The 24*7 days drunk, used to hangout doing odd chores and entertaining the hospital.Every patient was his relative. He earned enough to fill the tank by ordering us to look after his acquaintances (Overnight/nonexistant ones). He was a funny deviation from the routine. I still remember his songs & Jigs which he claimed would perform all night when anyone of us interns would get married. In return he wanted a gift of 50-100 Quarters of Alcohol!

This alltime swaying official of the hospital was the first person to reach the casualty and make a diagnosis. The common question was " Will He/She survive?"
So that he could start inflencing us and the Post mortem attendant to let him do the Post mortem (it fetched him enough for a weeks Alcohol).

Sheikh The Pharmacist
This potential Liver failure candidate (b'cos of his 24 hour alcohol shift) was seldom around on duty. Even if by any chance he dropped in, it was expected by his majesty that doctors like us should dipense medicine while they loiter around enjoying the day. Such was his devotion to work, that he seldom knew about the medical supplies stock. Consequently we never had the necesary medicines. By any chance if he'd procure the supplies after a considerable delay, they (the medicines) were supposed to stay locked up or mysteriously disappear. The patients had to buy the medicines which they were supposed to get free of charge/at a nominal charge.
We'd a tough time facing the patients wrath and explaining to them that It wasnt our fault. Complaints to the superintendent fell on deaf ears.
The system sucked......It smelled of all round corruption from top to bottom.

The Entry
It was military style.....pure rawness.... afterall the situation demanded a heavy handed attitude....ofcourse for my ownsake.....
I was out to forget something which was going to be present in front of me all thru those 3 months. I was angry with her.....destiny was getting bitchy as always....
It was like gone in 60 seconds.

Dont remember much but the anger that was foolishly trying to pushdown the pain.
I failed badly and it was evident.

The Grave yard Shifts
The objective of joining Shahapur was etched clearly in the mind.
The conflicting situation made my resolve firmer. I would not allow destiny to break me.
I would survive............ No matter what may come.
Thus began a journey that tested me each day till the end....

Hard work was never a turnoff. I was used to working long hours from my days in college.
Now, In fact it served as an intoxicant. It helped benumb the mind.
We were divided into groups of 5-6 Interns. Most of them my group mates.
And then there was Destiny. We were given 30 hour shifts (including OPD & IPD) followed
by a rest period of 12 hours.
These timings were non applicable to me. I worked non stop till fatigue took over and
forced me into a brief slumber.
I was available to fill in for my friends without any qualms.
I was the subject of mirth, ridicule for my friends. They did not agree with my schedule.
I was 'Constantly OnCall' But then I never cared.....
My memories and the self enforced silence kept me company till the end.

There was this renewed zeal to learn anything and everything. I never let an interesting case
go by. The anger and contempt on destiny was positively diverted for more meaningful
purposes.

The Graveyard shift moulded me to a great extent.

There are innumerable incidences that left an imprint. Most of them so fresh in my mind...... others at times resurface out of nowhere leaving you mesmerised......

Memoirs

2006-02-25T02:55:00.000-08:00

There is so much to write about.....
Many things that have never seen daylight,
Some of them so close to the surface yet,
So far away...
Others out in the open,
Yet revealing so little....

Suppressed, oppressed....
Faint, bold...
Dreams....
Stark realities.....
Subtle thoughts...
Banished memories....
Forsaken experiences

Of truth
And Lies...
Of the laughter
And cries....

Of Joy
And the fleeting moments....
Of Pain
And the aftermath...

Possibilities...
Probabilities....

There is so much to write about.....
Many things that have never seen daylight,
Some of them so close to the surface yet,
So far away...
Others out in the open,
Yet revealing so little....